God's Stubborn Love

The last few weeks I have been doing my utmost to avoid God, which is a neat trick when you run a faith blog. I also manage to attend church and Bible study, and do my daily Bible reading. I'm going through all the motions without actually connecting.

Because that's what it's about: connection. It's a relationship and not just my "ring and run" prayers and hastily read Psalms. 

But despite all my efforts to hide God still manages to find a way to reach me. Honestly, it's almost as if He actually wants a relationship with me... 

I'll share a few examples with you (for there are many). Psalm 136 was part of my Bible reading a few days ago:

1 

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.

His love endures for ever.

Give thanks to the God of gods

His love endures for ever.

Give thanks to the Lord of Lords:
His love endures for ever

That's just verse one to three but you may notice a pattern in its construction. By about verse nine or so the words were practically leaping off the page and shouting in my face: HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER. ARE YOU LISTENING YET?

*claps hands over ears* la, la, la, can't hear you! For I am a foolish mortal. 

Another example occurred during church. Putting aside the sermon on our father-child relationship with God (oh it was a doozy. The words were yelling in my face again), there was one particular song that threatened to knock me sideways.

The gentleman who led us in Communion (he has a wonderfully esoteric blog, Like Trees. Like Spears) shared with us from the book of Hosea. Hosea, a prophet in Israel, is commanded by God to marry a prostitute. God commands Hosea to do this in order to symbolise His relationship with the nation of Israel. It was in this context that we listened to Stubborn Love by The Lumineers. 

She'll lie and steal, and cheat, and beg you from her knees,

Make you think she means it this time

She'll tear a hole in you, the one you can't repair

But I still love her, I don't really care

His love endures forever

I don't believe it is a Christian song but nevertheless Stubborn Love goes some of the way in portraying God's love for us foolish mortals. Do yourself a favour and don't hide from God. He always finds you anyway :) 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Photo credit: 

1. Image by Art4TheGlryOfGod. Used under CC license. 

Three things I wish I was better at

Despite what you may think I am not perfect. Shocking, I know. On a daily basis I am confronted with this horrendous fact. Oh how it irks me.

Yeah. The sad thing is I'm only sorta kidding. 

So, in an effort to engage in some good ol' self-deprecating humour I thought I'd share Three things I wish I was better at, ideally in a fabulously (perfectly) humorous fashion.

Number one

Painting. I like painting, I enjoy a variety of arty activities but I would hesitate to say that I have a particular talent for any of them. That being said, I also don't work my butt off to produce stunning works of art like abstractedallure, Janis Cox and A. L. Romero whose blogs I all follow.

According to my source image this is a delightful waterfall scene. 

Methinks dad was correct to suggest that I lighten up the foreground.

(It's making me feel slightly ill sharing this with you all. I seriously struggle not being good at absolutely everything in the universe.)

Number two

I almost wrote "photography" because as you can see from my delightful waterfall/forest impressionist (yeahhhh, let's go with that) painting it is not my strong suit. However, I have no particular interest in photography so it doesn't really count. 

Part of me wishes I was better at sport. I live in a sport-mad country and being the book-loving, studious, nerdy girl that I am kicking a footy around isn't my idea of fun. But maybe Phys Ed wouldn't have been quite so torturous if I was better at all this sport stuff? 

Number three

Being at peace. This is actually something I'm getting better at (yay). Unlike my football skills (aww). It's a fairly broad one but I do believe that the more we can be at peace the better off we'll be. Lord willing we will all reach that perfect place of peace one day.

Oh, and, as many of my readers are American when I say "football" this is what I'm talking about:

This is AFL (Australian Football League)

This list could have gone for foreverrrrrrr. But three is the magic number so I'll leave it there. While I would love to be super talented at absolutley everything it wouldn't make people love me any more. In God's eyes, I am His masterpiece and all my shortcomings are covered by the riches of His grace.

What are some things you wish you were better at?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Photo credit:
1. MB
2. Image by Tom Reynolds, via Wikimedia Commons. Used under CC license. 

Why I'm (temporarily) quitting Facebook

Image by AdorkableAznBunny. Used under CC license.

Ah, Facebook. The silent blue giant that lurks on our phones and computers, slowly sucking all joy from our lives. At least, that's been my recent experience with the one of the world's most popular social media sites.

The only other time I have deactivated my account was during my final year of school. By the way, if there's any students reading this I highly recommend having a final year Facebook break. It's a huge distraction and no, you cannot effectively study and be on Facebook at the same time. Such practices have a significant negative impact on your ability to concentrate and absorb information. Trust me, you have enough distractions without checking your Newsfeed every five seconds. 

Anyway.

I'm not in my final year of school and I didn't even have end of semester uni exams this time around (my condolences for those of you still studying. Now stop reading this and get back to it! ;) ). So, why give up the big blue monster?

It was making me miserable. Regular readers of this blog will know I have my "off" days. While I try not to make rash decisions when I'm feeling bad I decided I needed a Facebook break during one of those "off" days. 

Image by dugg simpson. Used under CC license. 

I realised it was exacerbating feelings of loneliness and despair. The despair was particularly acute when seeing updates from some of the causes I'm passionate about and seek to support. I was being fed constant reminders of how harsh and cruel this world is and I felt powerless in the face of all the suffering.

In direct opposition to these stories were updates from friends about all the good (or bad) things happening in their lives. Facebook allows us the create a perfect, happy image of our lives. Or to vent about our frustrations and pain (perhaps through blogging hmm? :P ).

So on the one hand I was constantly being told how great life is while on the other being made aware of some friend's struggles, and the crises occuring around the world. 

I took all these cares and burdens on myself and it was having a significant impact on my mental and emotional wellbeing.

Recently I have been made aware of my rebellion against God. While I'm not going to go into details in this post my rebellion has been making me miserable and I imagine taking on all these burdens was a symptom of my sin. 

So while quitting Facebook is only treating a symptom it is at least removing a significant temptation. The temptation is to maintain control of my life and create my own kingdom instead of relinquishing control to God. 

Instead of entrusting these burdens and cares to The Management I declared myself king because I needed to maintain control, I needed to hold onto these burdens. Why? Because I did not trust God. 

Again I'm not going to go into all the nitty gritty of why I haven't been trusting God but I hope you at least understand that control stems from rebellion, and this can make you miserable, anxious and afraid. Freedom is found through repentance and forgiveness. 

Image by geralt. Used under CC license.

Lord, I'm sorry for my sin [naming the specific sin helps. Do not let shame trap you anymore]. Please forgive me and help me to trust you more. Today I commit [make the choice!] to trusting you and letting you be Lord of my life. In Jesus name, Amen.

Hiding from the cold and drowning in assignments

McTed and I are working very hard on three different projects before we leave for camp. So my little corner of the internet may be quiet for a while. I do prefer to post more regularly than this but sometimes one is drowning in assignments and unable to do so.

P.S. One of my assignments involves creating a poster... While I appreciate and enjoy the creative elements involved this sort of thing it generally sends my little perfectionist voice into overdrive. So I'm planning to stick this verse up somewhere (and possibly tattoo it onto my eyelids):

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." 

-Colossians 3: 17-

Pride

Love is not proud

I've been avoiding this post. It's a topic I don't particularly enjoying talking about, despite the fact that I've referred to pride countless times in other posts. Somehow confronting it head on is a bit too difficult.

Reading Timothy Keller's book Counterfeit Gods I found myself immediately going on the defensive. If you haven't read the book (I recommend it) Keller discusses the subject of idolatry in a Christian context. He explains that when the Bible talks about idolatry it isn't just referring to the physical worship of idols, rather it is a matter of the heart. Essentially anything that replaces God in someone's heart, yes even a Christian, is an idol.

Our God is a jealoous God and He doesn't want to share us with other 'gods.' He wants us to trust Him completely and not turn to other things for our salvation, our deliverance, our sense of worth... He gives us all these things and more. But sometimes we deceive ourselves, or are deceived by others, and no longer trust God completely. We hide part of ourselves away and build our own little kingdoms where we are in control (supposedly). Satan loves that. He'll tempts us with false promises: "This is what you want, this is what you've been looking for all this time." And so we separate ourselves from God to get 'it,' whatever 'it' is. 

But we don't get it. Not really. It's all a lie. 

In discussing this with a close friend of mine I related my concerns about whether I had separated part of myself from God, set up my own little kingdom in my heart. Note this was a few years after reading Keller's book and largely dismissing any concerns because, quite frankly, I didn't want to think about it. My friend reflected on what I had said and then asked a very good question:

"What do you think you're getting out of it? The idol?"

Her point is that idols 'work', in the sense that we continue to hold to them and trust them, because we believe that we can get that 'it' out of them: success, power, sex, love, whatever. Satan will use this false belief to tempt us into continuing to trust the idol. We believe that we are in control and ultimately going to receive 'it.' But this is a lie. Albeit a very clever, very pervasive lie. Never forget that Satan is referred to as the "father of lies" for good reason.

So, what does all this have to do with pride? Better yet what on earth does it have to do with love not being proud? 

God's love and our pride don't mix. We don't deserve His love and His grace, given to us freely in love, leaves no room for pride (see my post on "love does not boast"). However pride and idolatry go very well together. Certainly in my case I was more than happy to say "I know better, God" (Pride Alert!) and go chasing after 'it' and away from God's love. 

While God is telling me that He loves me and that He can heal all the hurt, my pride says, "No, you're wrong." And this double mindedness, simulatenously believing in God's love in an abstract sense but refusing it in my life, allows sin to creep in. I separate part of myself, my heart, from God and set up my own little kingdom, my own heart-idol where I believe I can receive all the things I seek. I foolishly believe, in my pride, that God cannot give me these things. 

So, dear readers, this is what idolatry has to do with pride and love. 

God revealed these things to me over time (I suspect my pride may have slowed things down), eventually bringing me to a place where I was left with little choice but to confront it head on. I chose (thankfully) to submit myself to God and repent. This came in stages. Working out our salvation doesn't happen overnight. But I believe that I am now on the right path. I still have a choice, to trust God or to turn away. That choice isn't always easy but now I have that freedom of choice. Without the revelation of God I was unconscious of many of the things that were going on in my heart (and when God started to show me it was "easier" to ignore Him) and didn't really have a choice. I had surrendered part of my will to this heart-idol. 

This is a dangerous place to be. You only have to do a quick Google search on idolatry to see how incredibly serious it is. But take heart, God is greater than all things.

"Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in the time of need." (Hebrews 4:16)

I couldn't decide between the awesome Hebrews verse and this fantastic promise. So I chose both! :D
Source: Sapphire Dream Photography www.flickr.com/photos/worshipbackgrounds/
Licence: creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/legalcode

I am so great, I am so great na na na na na...

Love does not boast

Try to imagine me singing that in a high-pitched annoying voice. Think, 'younger sibling besting you at cards.' And yes he often beats me at cards.

So beyond my inspiring and insightful title this post stumped me. I read up on boasting in my Bible, did a bit of research and in the end this is what I came up with but feel free to disagree, you know, lovingly ;) 

If one boasts, one implies that one is superior to others. And that's not particularly loving, to make someone feel inferior. It can be done in a cheery, light-hearted manner (think mischievous rather than malicious), as per the title. But I doubt that's what Paul's trying to communicate to the Corinthians. 

"May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Galations 6:14) 

What does this mean? I'm still puzzling it out but my sense is that just as we are saved by faith, and not by works ("so that no one can boast"), I believe "love does not boast" is the same as saying "love is humble." Writing this I feel like that's super obvious and you're wondering when I'm going to get to the point (never! Mwahaha! Wait, is that loving or...?). Grace gives us no room to boast. It's handed to us by God on a cross-shaped platter (did you understand the imagery? DID YOU?!). We don't even have to reach for it, God pretty much puts it in our hand. And thus we return to the age old battle between perfectionism and grace...

Spoilers: grace wins every time.

It's like part of me wants to work hard and reach for some (unattainable) goal or target just so I can say, "Ha! I did it! Me!" (I am the best, I am the best na na na na...). Sounds a bit like boasting huh? So, then, what does its loving counterpart sound like?

I'm actually not sure what it 'sounds' like but I know what it looks like. It's me, finally giving in, at some odd hour of the morning, lying flat on my face before God and saying 'help.' It's laying down my pride, my desire for perfection, and opening myself up to our loving heavenly Father. It is not hiding behind tears and false humilty, or beating myself down. It's submission, no matter how loud that rebellious voice howls. It's everything I'm not but everything that grace allows me to be. I know at heart I'm a rebel but I also know that God loves me anyway. 

In this interpretation, the loving part is not letting boasting interfere with our relationship with God. When I am proud, when I hide part of myself from God, the part that desires to boast in my own abilities, I hurt God. 

Wait? You do what now? 

I hurt God.

Nah, still not getting it.

Yes I don't fully understand it either (for further reading I recommend Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge). However, I am learning, as I grow closer to God, that He wants me to love Him and it hurts Him when I push Him away. For an imperfect comparison, think about how much it hurts when someone you care about distances you emotionally when they're upset. God cares about us and wants to build a relationship with us. Yeah, I'm still struggling to wrap my head around it and I doubt we'll be able to fully appreciate it before this world ends and the New Earth begins. 

P.S. I hope you don't mind my sense of humour and rambling in this post. It's worse when I'm tired!  

One of a kind

Love is kind

See what I did there?  With the title?

*crickets chirp*

Hey, it's hard to come up with catchy titles involving the word 'kind.' Let me know if you have a better idea (or a better pun).

So what does it mean to love other through kindness? Well in the past* this has meant me bending over backwards to 'love' others and, at the extreme end, endangering my own mental and emotional health because I'd decided to take everyone else's problems on my shoulders and am being crushed under the weight of a self-imposed obligation.

This not love. This is pride. This is my pride, cleverly hiding behind perfectionism which in turn is lurking behind a self-righteous mask of love. One day, after church, this really hit home. I had a standing obligation with a friend to give her a lift to church. That weekend I also contacted a different friend and invited her to church. She was happy to come (yay! Christian brownie points) but required a lift. Without hesitation I said 'Sure!' and merrily took on this obligation.

Now our car can only fit our family and one other. But I'd invited two friends. Do the math. Unfortunately I don't drive (yeah, it's pretty bad in a country that's not exactly pro public transport) so it would be up to my parents whether they were willing to drive uphill and downdale to get everyone to church. Understandably, they decided against such a plan. What ensued was my pride and perfectionism taking over, under that clever mask of love and kindness, to get both my friends to church.

Why didn't I just listen to dad when he said, "You can only have one." Oh no, that will not do at all! Cried she. I must have both my friends there because I've invited them both and I can't say no now and they need me and they need to be there and I have to love them and, and, and... You get the picture.

I did, however, manage to get both of them to church by arranging a separate lift for the other friend. But this experience had been so draining on me, because of the self-imposed obligation to be 'kind' and 'love' them, that I wasn't even there for them, mentally. I was so stressed and distracted I couldn't really focus on what either of them were saying or how they were really feeling. To top it off I also had to attend a meeting that week after the service, so I had a to rush out with my family and my friend to drop her home and then come back for the meeting. In the meantime my other friend had been taken home and I now had to try and concentrate on the youth leader's meeting.

So it wasn't a great afternoon. As I reflected on the day I felt convicted by God that this had been an issue of pride. God showed me that I had been more concerned about appearing like a good friend rather than actually being one and genuinely loving them. Now that's not to say I'm heartless and don't love my friends, because I truly do and I'm not beating myself up, but I was motivated by my pride, and not godly love i.e. love is kind.

As the author of this website explains, loving others by being kind doesn't mean giving people everything they want and bending over backwards to please everyone. So these days I don't impulsively say 'Sure!' to something before checking what else I have on that day. When the anxious perfectionist voices start ('You have to see them, they're your friend. Aren't you a good friend?') I call their bluff and let them sit in my head and grumble away. I don't have to listen to them, I don't answer to them. Instead I take my thoughts captive to Christ and look to the Lord for the reassurance that I am doing the right thing.

If you ever struggle with worries and thoughts that can become overpowering I recommend this blogpost as well by Eva Bridges (on my computer I have to scroll down for a bit before I actually see the post). I found it encouraging to read that other Christians struggle in this regard and how they can choose to listen to the lies or take the thoughts captive.

Read it here: http://69.195.124.224/~desertn0/take-every-thought-captive/


*She says while acknowledging that this issue is still somewhat part of the present.

Running late?

Love is patient

It's not even half an hour into my day and I'm already getting impatient. If anything this just reinforces my need for grace because it seems impossible to express love through constant patience, particularly when I lose something. It doesn't matter if something super important or something relatively inconsequential. As soon as I can't find it the inconvenience drives me absolutely barmy and patience is the furthest thing from my mind. So, clearly losing things is something to bring before God in prayer. Is there something in particular for you that causes the same reaction? Or am I just way too obsessed with the inconvenience of losing something?

In terms of how it affects my ability to love others... Well all you have to do is try to help me find it and our relationship may be at risk. It's bad. Really bad. I don't know what it is but I do know that God will help us through anything if we submit ourselves before Him in prayer!

The other challenge for me today was running late this morning (my fault). At the start of this debacle it wasn't so much impatience as blind panic. I had an unusually long day yesterday and tiredness tends to make emotional difficulties more problematic than usual. 'Oh, I'm running a little late' can rapidly spiral into, 'I don't want to go into uni. I want to go home right now. I can't face anyone.' This hasn't really happened in recent months but as I said, tiredness tends to make me a little more vulnerable.

The strong temptation this morning was to hold onto these thoughts and feelings instead of turning away and going to the Father. Even when a behaviour is bad for us sometimes we like to hold onto them because they are familiar and we feel in control. This sense of control is, I believe, a trap that keeps us away from God. We prefer to lean on our own understanding rather than humbling ourselves before Him and trusting in His promise of a "peace that surpasses all understanding." 

This is a photo of one of the scriptures I regularly declare (in simple terms, 'say aloud'). I keep it near my desk as study's a big "worry" trigger for me.

So, how did this affect my ability to love others? Well on a human level it meant my wonderful father, who dropped me at the train station, received something close to reproach for (supposedly) making me go to uni instead of thankfulness, and distrust when he said I'd be ok (considering he prayed for me as well I had more than enough reason to trust him). On a spiritual level it led to me putting a 'block' between myself and our heavenly Father.

Once again I am reminded of my inability to be perfect. This is a challenging idea for me. Because I cannot meet God's standards He sent His Son for me. I don't have to do anything, nor can I do anything 'good enough' to justify my salvation. To a long-standing perfectionist this doesn't seem to make sense but it is the truth.

God can help me grow in patience but I'll never be perfect. I might have to tell myself that over and over again but I trust that as I grow in my faith in God's grace it will gradually become easier. We are told to "take captive every thought" and this means identifying a wrong thought (wrong as in it's a lie/against what God says) and submitting it to Jesus in prayer. Once again this means swallowing our pride and denying that 'wonderful' sense of control. But it's worth it.

"...the truth will set you free."

(John 8: 32)

Applying 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

In my previous post I cited the ever popular Corinthians passage on what it means to love someone:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)

For the next few weeks or so I would like to systematically go through each of the characteristics of love and spend some time reflecting on them and how we can better implement these principles in our lives. I’m using myself as something of a guinea pig for this series (am I a serious enough blogger to have a series??) and I want to see how I actually go about loving people.

Some questions I would like to reflect on, and I’d love any of my readers to join me in this little project, are:

• Did I love by being (patient, kind, etc) today?
•  Some examples of when I did
•  And, because it’s quite likely this will happen, some examples where I didn’t 
• What made it difficult or challenging to love people in those circumstances? 
• Is there anything in particular that I’d like to bring before God? For example, did I find myself being patient in most circumstances except when I was running late and why did this cause me to stumble?

Now as I have blogged about perfectionism before I am so totally going to submit myself and this ‘series’ before God. I want to do this so I can share my experiences and hopefully encourage others.  I do not want it to become an episode of ‘MB trying to satisfy her pride by setting ridiculously, unattainable standards for herself.’ Because that’s never fun. Trust me.

Let us do this to glorify God, to decrease ourselves so that the Lord may increase.